Gathering dust

(This blog, I mean)

Increasingly I find that I prefer to keep my thoughts entirely private; this generally means less blogging. In fact come to think of it, I think I rarely wrote about the things I actually spent the most time thinking about.

School has begun again and despite a lot of people complaining about renewed stress and increased workloads, I must say I haven't really noticed. I think the workload isn't actually very different, but the constant little reminders about A levels looming make it seem like we just should be doing more now that we're in J2.

I keep seeing former debate juniors around. In our batch, almost every debater from High School continued to debate for the JC. This batch is different; the majority of them aren't continuing. This does sadden me- feels like we didn't do enough (perhaps we did the exact opposite) to make them feel like they had a future in debates. Maybe at some level or another, the amount of time the two of us invest in our juniors now is in some small way our method of making up for our failings of the past.

Inspiration

Simple, single sentence spoken a few days ago. I keep thinking about it.

"Surely the function of debaters is to champion the good in the world."

Of dragonflies and broken petals

Met an old friend yesterday. Felt a gentle rush of clarity afterward, which my writing doesn't quite do justice to. Knew it wouldn't last, so I experimented a little in... listening to the universe, I don't know how else to put it.

In the most insignificant way possible, it seemed to work out.

Today I suddenly remembered another friend whom I never ever met in person but who- for some reason that probably doesn't go very well with logic- I think genuinely meant well for me. It would be so easy to try and pin blame on him for things that went wrong- but it would also be entirely unfair. Because I went back and read a few old emails, and I suddenly realise the only real mistake was not listening to the universe, a year and a half ago.

And if you're reading this, and if you're still in any way upset with him- please don't be.

Detach

This place is gathering dust.

Apologies

I used to really not understand people. I saw how people reacted to stimuli, and got a feel for what actions tend to produce what reactions (as most people figure out after a while) but I was never quite sure why.

The problem was that all too often, I'd meet someone new who didn't fit into that behavioural pattern. I'd stumble around and figure out the new causal relation, but that would take time.

So I started thinking that maybe the reason why I could never really find a pattern was that I didn't understand the underlying reasons why action produced reaction. So I thought a lot about those underlying reasons; I've probably spent more time trying to figure those out than anything else in my life. Sometimes I would think I'd figured it out, only to be frustrated by the next person I'd get to know.

I think it's only a relatively recent realization that this is probably because there just isn't a single formula you can apply to every human being. Nor, by extension, is there one way of dealing with people that lets you deal with everyone. I know it sounds really dumb and most everyone has probably thought of this years ago, but I do think there's a difference between being intellectually aware of the fact and acting on it.

I guess figuring out how to relate to people will always take effort. It's probably a mistake to ever think that one has mastered people- that you can explain every person's every action by referring to simplistic theories that don't account for the richness and depth of the person's life experiences.

I'm sorry if I've hurt you. Guess I got too used to thinking that you acted one way, by one set of unchanging axioms, that I forgot that people can change.

Facebook

Yeah I finally got it. Not quite sure what to think yet, other than that the email notifications are annoying. Have recently been told a lot more about myself than I ever knew. Refreshing to hear what someone with a different perspective has to say about life, and the people in it. Maybe it's the one really good thing that'll come out of being in a science class- talking to people who really are different. A reminder, of the incredible variety of people out there- to not get too comfy with one way of interacting with others, because people are so different.

once in a while

Keep forgetting this blog exists. Seems like I'm keeping it alive just for the sake of it, hm. Camp RE:ACT last week was very fun. I think I got to live out some old memories, just by watching the participants interact. I meant every word I said in my closing speech to them (inside and outside the lecture theatre). I hope at least one of them remembers.